Flashback.. several years ago.
 
 I call this my Refrigerator Moment.

 

It was a Friday. And like so many other Fridays before, I had just finished paying all the bills, and doing the grocery shopping for four.. plus pets.. all on only my income (again). It completely wiped out my account (again), but that was ok. I was good with not having any money, because.. just for a little while.. 

 

I felt like I mattered. 

 

(An aside.. I knew if I touched "his" account.. even for a dollar.. there would be at least seven kinds of heck to pay.) 

 

And actually, I wasn't really buying for four. I was buying for three... him and my two stepsons. I always bought what they wanted.. mostly food I wouldn't have even considered even buying if I was on my own. But I couldn't afford to buy for two different preferences, so I just ate what they liked. 

 

So.. the house was clean, laundry was folded, floors were vacuumed, everything was neatly put away and I was excitedly looking forward to seeing my kids. I always wanted to make everything as perfect as I possibly could for them, and for my husband. 

 

It would still be a couple of hours before they arrived, and I wanted a snack before I took on the next task of trying to create more "perfection," so I went to the kitchen and opened the door to the fridge. I smiled when I saw the food I had so neatly stacked, and thought, "I can't eat any of that. I bought it for them." 

 

I closed the door, and my smile immediately disappeared, and I thought, "Wait......... what?" 

 

For a few months before that moment, I had been lightly questioning things like, how I allowed others to treat me, why I always seemed so driven to be "everything" to everyone and my need to always be the nicest one in the room. I wondered why I always put myself last, and allowed others to convince me that anything I did to take care of me was being selfish and unfair. 

 

So.. I paused momentarily to go over the previous several seconds of my life and thought, "What in the heck happened to me that made me believe that I'm not even worth eating food that I just bought?" 

 

And then.. I sat down on the kitchen floor and sobbed for a long while. 
 

That was the very beginning of my journey.
 

Fast forward a couple of years. I was.. again.. in tears.. on the floor. This time, at the foot of my bed. I had just recently walked away from my chosen family. It was one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to do, but nothing had changed since that day in front of the fridge. In fact, things had escalated to a point where my safety was an issue.. and for the first time in my life.. 
 
 I chose me. 
 
 At one point.. through the tears.. I asked out loud..
 
 “Do I even matter? Would anyone care if I wasn’t here anymore? Would anyone even notice?” 
 
 And then finally..
 
 “God, who am I? Who am I to you? Do I have a Purpose? I will do ANYTHING to know the answers to those questions." 
 
 And I did.

 

And I got my answers.
 

Those two moments, in front of the fridge.. and at the foot of the bed, were the first steps on my path of understanding what happened that caused me.. all my life.. to continually abandon myself for others. Those moments were what led me to understand that as a child, I created beliefs, patterns of thought and behaviors that I thought would keep me safe. I created "parts of me" to help me survive, and hopefully, secure the love, acceptance and approval of others. Those parts of me believed that if they could just do enough.. and be enough, the adults I instinctively depended on wouldn't continue to abandon me. 

 

And those parts stayed stuck right there. They lived in the experiences that caused those patterns, until I started learning how to remember, and live as my True Self. They remained... bravely holding down the fort of my life.. doing whatever they had to do and enduring the worst of situations.. until I was finally able to rescue them. 

 

And I did… rescue them. Not only from the survival thoughts, beliefs and behaviors, but also from the debilitating symptoms of C-PTSD. Those symptoms included.. severe, chronic depression and anxiety, almost daily migraines, asthma, sleep issues and fatigue. Also, all over body pain that was so bad that getting out of bed.. and then walking.. was a thirty minute struggle.
 

I went from desperately needing the approval of others, a lifelong battle with food issues and a tendency to lean very heavily on alcohol (when I didn’t have the other two).. 

 

to living in joy.. with unending confidence and energy. I am pain free, breathing freely, sleeping soundly (and at “normal” times). I left my disordered relationship with food behind, and I can take alcohol or leave it. And best of all.. I am my own best friend with no need to look to others for my worth.
 

So.. how did I rescue those parts and remember the person I was meant to be? I developed a process that I now share with other women who are ready and determined (like I was) to learn how to start making shifts in their lives to release similar patterns, thoughts, behaviors, beliefs and challenges. I help women learn how to begin to accept, understand and love all parts of themselves.. remember True Self.. and live unapologetically as her.. in Purpose, Peace and Prosperity.

 

Join me in Remembering You.